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The Crisis of 3 years or why your child answers all questions

I remember I was 20 years old, I was walking along distillery row in the supermarket and was amazed, looking at lying in the pastry Department of a citizen three years: how rude! Citizen rolling on the floor, screamed and demanded candy. Nearby stood confused parents. «But themselves to blame — I thought then. — There was nothing to spoil”. I was a naive fool!

In child psychology, which, as any psychology, half of which consists of fog, there is the concept of crisis is three years old. In fact, this life stage can happen at two and four years and to linger for a long time —a hundred years before.

Another foolish parents think that if, to lift the child from birth, feed on a schedule and slip into bed vacuum cleaner, then the offspring will be involved, will be obedient and hardworking. As it is not so! This crisis will happen suddenly, like winter. Psychologists say that it is connected with the formation of character and personality. Others add that tantrums and manipulations happen because of the desire for independence, research interest and approval standards. Go and check it.

All this I read from a computer screen sitting on the coffee table average child Check. He didn’t want to leave their table, refusing to accept any arguments.

– Well, that’s absurd, I said, come down.

– Nooooo, ‘ returned the Check.

– Collect toys!

– Neeeeeee!

Impossible to believe, but a couple of months ago, he every evening itself put toys in a box, eating what is given, meekly sat on the potty. Impressed by its prudence: turning off the light in the toilet, if there is someone sat up. Some impressionable guests that helped defeat constipation.

Flown from somewhere the spirit of contradiction messed up. It turned out the toy fly very well. And wolves, and bears. And especially heavy tanks. Was invented drawing borscht, football pot, the pot basketball. Mastered the spawning (squash, overseas). To take away the child from the Playground now one way is to wait when he will be tired, will fall to the ground and fell asleep. In General, our life sparkle with new colors. All the usual processes — eating, sleeping, walking, getting dressed turned into one endless grueling process of negotiations. Cleaning toys lasted for hours.

Psychologists were called in any case not to succumb to provocations, to encourage the child’s desire to act independently.

– Check! – I called his son, who collapsed on the table and fun rumbled, portraying the tractor. — You want me to help collect the toys?

– Torrnet! said tractor.

– Want to clean the toys? As an adult!

– Eeerrrr!

“Try to convince the child in the necessity of the case, — I returned to reading. — Present clear arguments”. Children are different, assured psychologists, one is enough outcry, the other needs a full explanation.

– Check! ‘I said. — Here look. I clean my tools after work, right? Mom cleans things up in the apartment? Your brother Rabbit takes away the textbooks even before you open them…

– Yes.

– So, you need to clean the toys.

– No.


– Neeeeeeee.

“It’s important to show your child that you understand his feelings. Try not to provoke it on the counter, don’t ask questions, choose the affirmative form…” — ugh, I thought, couldn’t warn you sooner. Then came the advice to look in the eye, sit on the floor to be on an equal footing. Include elements of the game…

– Check, I sat down, looked at his cheerful shameless. — Son, I understand you very well. To clean up the toys — not the most pleasant experience. Worse only to go to work. But you must understand that every thing has its place, Check. When things are in their places, they are not lost. Judging by the rapt drawing on the table, I was not convinced.

– Check, — I continued, — cleaning of toys is very interesting. Come on, we divide them into two piles — who would be removed?

– No, — said Check, dad!

That is, dad had to clean both piles.

– Cheque — I did not give up, — as far as I know, all unmade toys at exactly eight-zero-zero will leave the apartment forever. Five minutes left. Let them quickly to save!

– Nooo, giggled Check. He liked that I tell the tale.

– Will deprive cartoons! — I threatened, — strike out of the will!

– No! — he knocked his foot on me.

I returned to the article. There was coming to an end:

– Dad, let’s go!

– Huh? What? Toys?

– Yes.

“Good girl,” I triumphed, — clever!

We came to the nursery. Part of toys was tilted to the side.

“Sit down,” stated a Check for the vacant seat.

I sat down.

On that play, he sat down, put my hand in the car, and he took another.

Well, okay, I thought, well, nothing. First, I have nerves of steel. And secondly, access to the food. Hunger, son, not my aunt!

Says the psychologist of the highest category, the Deputy Director of the center of psychological-pedagogical rehabilitation and correction “Yasenevo” Mikhina Irina:

Child aged 3 years old already knows a lot, knows about himself, about adults, about others. Change of relationship, now they should be based on partnership. If the relationship is not working, manifest crisis:

1. Refusal, opposition, unwillingness to comply with the instructions of adults.

2. Stubbornness, based on the requirement of the child to be accepted.

3. Obstinacy, a protest against the whole existing system of relationships.

4. Jealousy, which often manifests itself as a reaction to the emergence of another child in the family.

5. The depreciation that was once expensive.

The basis of the crisis — the conflict between increased skills and established relationships in the family. The main thing — remember that the crisis is good, and seeing the negative manifestations in the child’s behavior, be happy — the baby is growing.

How to establish a relationship with this grown-up brat?

Rebuild relationship with the child on the foundations of greater equality than it was before. If the parents in this period begin to give the child more freedom and independence, they support its brand image and accustom to a reasonable distinction between those areas of life in which he really can act “like an adult”, and those in which he still remains a child in need of assistance and guidance. Gradually it leads to overcoming the symptoms of the crisis. For example: the child can be given the right of choice (of the two objects, otherwise the task will become impossible). You should know that it is a choice without a choice (offer baby two equivalent subject matter, differing, for example, only in color).

If you continue to build relationships in exactly the same way as before, then the child will not be able to distinguish the sphere of life in which he can be independent, and will in all cases indiscriminately to insist on its right to be an adult. About such a child usually say that he is very stubborn, when in fact the obstinacy of the show here, first of all, his parents.