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Just do not cry?

The discussion of this topic is rarely seen in the parent web conferences, and in the “sandbox” to talk about this as it is not accepted. Think of yourself walking with a stroller in which snuffle three-month baby. From his accidental companion with the same stroller you might know about its inhabitant everything: what to eat and drink, how often peeing and pooping, what toys got him the affectionate relatives and even under what Zodiac sign the baby was born. But no word on how often the baby is crying.

Something is wrong, why is baby crying?

Taboos imposed on this theme, occasionally broken only by very young mothers (for such they say “she’s still a child”) — confused, ready to listen to anyone, not yet accustomed neither to the child nor to his new role, and, conversely, mothers are considered as very experienced, having not one but three or four children, worked out its position on each “child” issue and is ready to enlighten others.

Why on infant crying is not to say? The answer to this question helped me to approach our grandfather. “What are you rush to her, the child is crying,” said my sister, who just could not respond immediately to the cry of a newborn daughter. But in two weeks we heard from him: “Why do you have a child cries all the time?”.

Here is the key: if you have a baby crying, either with him or with you something is wrong.

The thought to feelings of guilt (“I’m a bad mother!”, “I have an abnormal baby.”) — just one step. And most, at least with the first child, do this step. Further, their paths diverge: someone who humbles himself and echoed by “public opinion” (“Yes, I’m a bad mother, Yes, child is crying — so let it be!”), someone goes against the flow for long periods of time wears on her arms, swayed, catching every signal of the kid (“Maybe I’m a bad mother, but I’ll do anything for my child”). But the guilt I live and those and others — and try therefore to avoid talking about the crying kids to “work” with feelings, learn to Express them, we, unlike the West, are not accustomed to.

Maybe not to let myself feel so guilty? Tried auto-training (“I am attentive-mother-with-mo-baby-everything-in-order”), and all grandparents are strictly forbid to make seditious thoughts that violate our peace of mind?

The trouble is that the grandfather rights. Not because he’s a grandfather, and because, without knowing it, expresses the proverb: the child should not cry, it’s bad for his health and development. That’s about it (and not that fun of a crying child, all good) and says a famous proverb: “What would the child have anything he wants, just do not cry”.

It can be learned

However, unlike the present situation, in the traditional community a young mother no one reproached crying baby — helped her: she showed me how it is more convenient to carry the baby in her arms, put him to the breast, taught to recognize his signals and certainly freed from all work on the house until, while between her and the little one was not installed solid contact and understanding, until she learned to do with it.

The behavior of older women — grandmothers, aunts — also was regulated by tradition: a young mother was removed from the care of a baby, as it often happens today (“Give me the child, if you are not able to calm him down!”), and when she’s around, encouraged, corrected, maintained.

During the past century tradition of nurturing kids and experience their mothers were gradually destroyed. However, not to notice the children’s crying, fortunately, is still capable of a few mother — therefore there was a demand for advice and guidance “What to do if the baby is crying”.

Follow the instructions?

Flipping through numerous books for parents and at first it seems that this demand is met. Here is a whole Chapter on child crying, another benefit is the long list of recommendations, and there are whole books type “365 ways to calm a crying baby”.

Begin to read — and it turns out that you or prescribe a sedative, or offer some semblance of how to repair failed equipment.

The authors are a friendly Pat on the shoulder and comfort: “Crying children make us helpless. That’s why you are so upset when the baby cries. And besides, it’s such an annoying sound that you can’t even watch TV”.

Or instruct in detail: “When the child again starts to cry, take a diagram of crying and gradually study it. In the right column you will find recommendations that you need to do to help your “megaphone” to reduce the “sound” and maybe even “off”. Feel? The child is equivalent to issuing the noise of the device, which, unfortunately, is not one switch, and a plurality of buttons, and learn to manipulate them, of course, difficult, but not impossible.

“Instructions” are branded, “evidence-based”, and are very artisanal. The most exciting sample of the latest, titled “Guide for the novice father, or 17 ways to calm a crying child” is not the first attracts the attention of one of the parent sites on the Internet.

“17 ways…” you desperate man, some sound quite reasonable (resilent child and take off his diaper; put to the mother under the flank and give the chest). The majority of the boards caused by the irritation of a tired parent, at worst belief “With him (with a baby) you can do anything — it won’t break!”. It is therefore proposed not to approach him, to shout, to slap, to pour cold water, to throw to the ceiling or hold upside down and only at the last turn “to think (well, you’re a grown man!)” and fix the cause of the crying. Rely on your common sense.

When not saving knowledge

But it can do a disservice to, say psychologists. In cultures where relationships with infants usually guided by knowledge and not instinct, babies cry more often and longer.

“American or European mother responds to the cry of his child on average in one minute — usually she picks him up and soothes, writes anthropologist from Cornell University (USA), author of “Our children, ourselves” Meredith small. Children, born there, where still remained primitive civilization, cry as often, but time is halved. The African response to the mother occurs after 10 seconds and is that baby is brought to the breast: there children are fed about four times an hour, without any schedule.

Now and worldwide relevant to infant crying is changing, adds small. — The child began to recognize the right to demand attention”.

So, infant crying has finally acknowledged not to be an annoying hindrance “adult” matters, not the way the baby is trying to manipulate their parents, and what it is actually only the possibility of a baby mother to report that he is bad.

Why is he weeping?

“Bad” are different. Mom that nothing distracts from communication with the child, sometimes quite a few weeks to learn to distinguish between the cry of a hungry and tired due to discomfort or a desire to get him on the hand.

Even if the mother fails to understand what exactly the child needs at that moment, one thing she can do is always to take the child on hands. It is a signal to the child that his request for assistance will not remain without attention. Psychologist-Perinatology Jeanne Tsargrad is convinced that such a reaction of the mother in the child forms a favorable impression of the world, which he mastered. The sooner the mother comes to the child for help, the less it suffers the nervous system.

As a result, when properly organized child care, which Jeanne Tsargrad mom teaches young children almost never cry because all their needs are met, discomfort is eliminated. Eventually it comes to automatism.