I, my child and my new man
Psychologist,PhD in sociology, writer,TV presenter, radio host, founder of ".
Imagine a store, on the shelves which emotions neatly arranged. You get to the cashier, and smiling salesman asks, “are You a simple women’s or mother’s happiness?”. Difficult to decide, isn’t it? Although such shops in real life does not exist, we sometimes still have to choose between the child and the relationship with a man who is not his father. Do not give rest thought of how will get along if beloved baby, can become a friend or even a loving dad?
Doubts moms is justified because there are many factors that influence the development of relations of the child and “the new Pope”. When parents split up. and the father leaves the family, the familiar world of the baby inevitably changes. The child loses a sense of security, blames himself for the problems of parents becomes more touchy. Negative sentiment is, if, when meeting with his own father, a son or daughter see his feelings, understand that daddy was sad and lonely. In this case, the child can perceive admirer of his mother, appeared in the house immediately after the divorce, as the perpetrator of parting parents and, as a consequence, the suffering father. If the baby has not heard from parents of serious accusations and hurtful words, it will be safer to treat the man who took care of the mother.
A little different situation, if the child’s parents were divorced long before meeting mother with the beloved man. Gradually wean baby from constant contact with the father, however, he formed an understanding that the mother fully belongs to him. So, a new member of the family is not only “Vice” of the Pope, but also a rival for the love, attention and care of mom. Especially difficult to accept this fact sons. (Incidentally, a similar attitude to the man can be, and in that case, if the child was not even familiar with his own father).
It is clear without words
In the family the most vulnerable children, therefore, if you encounter any problems, they react first. Kids cry, fuss, sleep becomes unstable. It should be noted that with the right actions of parents of children aged up to three years easy to get used to new circumstances, are easy to talk to, with interest to talk to a man who loves his mommy.
At an older age (4-6 years) the child expresses its protest isolation, frequent resentment, unwillingness to interact with adults. To get the attention of the mother, the child may behave like a baby: written in my pants, to act up, to misbehave. Already at this age, children are trying to influence parents. For example, the son of my friend said to the man, claiming to be the “new father”: “Why don’t you let mom to live with dad? Get out of our house, daddy you never come to me.”
The negative reaction of a student are often reflected in his diary – a bad evaluation comments from teachers about behavior. In addition, the child may provoke the fan of my mom on the conflict, knowing mom will jump to his defence, and this will cause the newly minted Pope irritation.
Law head of family
The man who took responsibility for raising the child of the woman, the controls are really significantly less than that of the mother and her own father. He would like to knock on the table or to shout at the little bully, but what do you say beloved woman, mother-in-law how to react and what precipitate will remain in his heart? As a result of constant concessions and the accumulation of negativity. The man in this situation is experiencing no less stress than the child, because he needs to be for the baby if not the father, then the other is, if not exemplary, at least, a man worthy of respect.
Although there are men who do not even try to restrain himself, and without further ADO take the belt. I know of cases where women suffered terrible aggression of men toward her child just for the sake of this tyrant was near…
If we’re talking about a man who sincerely wants to put the child best, and if the child is not serious psychological problems, the main responsibility for the atmosphere in the family falls on the shoulders of women.
Her in such a situation, of course, very difficult, because a new life at an accelerated pace will not build. Important brick by brick to build a solid Foundation for friendly relations between child and loved one. You should start with regular (but not daily) pleasant meetings of baby and new mom’s fan: walking in an amusement Park, a joint shopping trip, fun games. Well, if the child will see how a man helps her mother, for example, in preparation for repair. And only after time communication with neutral territory can be transferred into the common home. But the personal aspect of the relationship adults at first is better not to show: not to be particularly tenderness and affection, and if to stay the night together, sleeping in separate rooms. All that was allowed during his first marriage (kisses, hugs), it is better not to show your child until he gets used to the change in the family. Quite possibly, adult relationship will scare the baby – suddenly the uncle gets mom bad? As a schoolboy, guess about what is happening in the parents ‘ bedroom, can experience huge frustration and disappointment.
Of course, no end to hide from the child will not work. But at some point the mother will feel that you can gradually lift the bans and restrictions in relations with the beloved man: the child will get used to your new family member will take him by the hand while walking, will start to miss and wait for the meeting, and the student will be to contact the man for advice, ask questions, share their experiences. Well, if mom will be able to allocate the time she will devote exclusively to the kid. It is only with his beloved mommy, you can share achievements and discoveries, only she can ask interesting questions, only next to it, you have nothing to fear and do not be shy.
Worrying about the baby, the mother can behave too sharply with your loved one: “This is my child, don’t touch him, don’t scold. You don’t have that right!”. Such a clear division of “mine is yours” leads to the fact that the man is alone against the coalition of mother and child. In the end, he grows irritated, because the child, as it seems, becomes the sole owner of maternal attention. Actually, she just triggered the defense mechanism of their crumbs, and often even a disgruntled look man she sees as a terrible threat.
In the house there is a serious conflict, when the child does not want to obey, and the man is holding off his anger, wise woman you can take care of the credibility of the new family member. For example, tell the kid fascinating stories from the life of a loved one, as he parachuted to the North pole, saved a kitten from a fire, at worst, he’s a champion on the translation of grandmothers across the street. In such presentations it is important not to cross the border and Grosjean (this will irritate the child and the man should support the stories actions – to do with the baby what she does best, to give the child a sense of security, to support it. If the baby will have the feeling of respect to the beloved mother, he will understand and accept his advice and guidance.
In that case, if the child does not accept a new family member, if you see that he cares, it is better to go with him to a child psychologist (or with her new husband and child to a family psychologist). A qualified specialist to find out the causes of children’s experiences and try to correct them.